In a twist that would make even the most seasoned conspiracy theorists nod in approval, the National Investigation Service (Natis), a unit under Thurrock council, has been found to be less like the Avengers and more like a group of well-meaning, but slightly lost, interns.
An independent review by Mazars, not to be confused with a group of wizards from a fantasy novel, has revealed that Natis, tasked with the noble quest of tackling fraud in the £47 billion bounce back loan scheme, was operating with the oversight of a goldfish.
Ministers and the local council in Essex, where Natis was based, were apparently too busy with other pressing matters, like deciding which colour to paint the town hall, to keep an eye on this crucial operation.
Natis, dressed up in police-style uniforms that would make any cosplayer proud, was initially contracted by the Department for Business, Energy & Industrial Strategy in 2020.
They’ve been chasing fraudsters with the zeal of a cat after a laser pointer, but with less success.
The unit, which had the audacity to use a “.police” email domain (because why not add a dash of legal authority to your emails?), was recently told to stop this charade by regulators who probably sighed deeply before making the call.
The review pointed out that Natis was operating in what could only be described as a bureaucratic bubble, with council members having “limited exposure” to its operations, which sounds like a polite way of saying they were completely in the dark.
Mazars recommended some governance arrangements, which in plain English means “someone, please watch the watchers.”
The audit committee, in a report that probably took more time to write than Natis took to actually catch fraudsters, noted that steps are being taken to ensure Natis doesn’t continue to operate like a rogue state within the council.
They’ve even hired a “trusted senior individual” to oversee it, because if there’s one thing that fixes everything, it’s another layer of management.
Despite a budget that could make a small country jealous, Natis has only managed to secure six criminal prosecutions.
This is like spending a fortune on a lottery ticket and winning a candy bar.
Meanwhile, Thurrock council itself is embroiled in its own drama, suing Liam Kavanagh for what sounds like a plot from a bad heist movie involving solar farms, yachts, and country estates.
As Natis’s contract with the government nears its end next March, there’s talk of renewal, because apparently, the government loves a good sequel.
With about 100 staff, Natis is like the band that keeps playing even after the ship has hit the iceberg. Thurrock council, in a statement that probably took several meetings to agree upon, insists everything is now under control, with governance arrangements that are so formal, they might as well be wearing tuxedos.
A business case for Natis’s continuation is set to be presented in September, because if there’s one thing we’ve learned, it’s that bureaucracy loves a good presentation.
Whitehall officials, probably still trying to figure out what exactly Natis was supposed to be doing, are reviewing the Mazars report.
They’ve declined to comment, which in political speak means, “We’re still trying to find the humour in this situation.”
